That Game We Never Play
The barbarian class represents the uncivilized warriors of the Northlands. There are regular fighters among the armies of the North, particularly within the strongholds of the Venar, but the barbarians run rampant among the Picts and Gaels.
From DnD with Pornstars, a blog about games.
At first level, and each time you level up, you get your hit points: 1D8 + Con bonus
Roll twice on this table. Do what it says—there are also indicators of what to do if you re-roll that same result over again in places where that’s hard to figure out…
1-29 +1 to hit. Because fucking barbarian, hello?
30-45 +1 to all your saves. Getting wizard-controlled gets old after a while.
46 Yes, you can have one axe in each hand, munchkin. You have a second attack per round. You divide your usual attack bonus however you like between opponents/strikes. You get another extra attack per round every time you re-roll this result.
47-48 You’re tough as jerky. +1 Constitution up to racial max. Numbers in excess go to Strength or Dexterity.
49-52 WODEN SAYS DIE!!! You are extra motivated about killing really big things that fucked you up. If a creature more than 10’ tall knocks you down to half or fewer hit points, you may summon your angriosity to inflict triple damage on a hit. This only works once per opponent. Unless you re-roll this result, then it works twice, or three times, etc etc.
53 Mmmm, I know this beast… In any wilderness environment like that of your native land you will know whatever organic life has been there in the last 24 hours including all typical wandering monsters, and you know about anything that’s been there in the last week on a successful roll-under-Wisdom or roll-under-level (whichever is higher) check. Re-roll this result and it extends to dungeons, then to cities, then to inorganic life. Then if you keep re-rolling you can always do the “everything in the last week” thing in the wilderness, then in dungeons…
54 The Great Crone has spoken: that thing you wanted? The Jewel of Carmathroq? The Map To the Pleasure Pits of Mazuun? The Spiked Club of Oool? It’s there. 4 sessions worth of adventure away or less. Tell your GM, who then must place it.
You must have a fair shot at it—like any other treasure, but there’s no guarantee you will get it. If you don’t get it by the fourth session you can keep trying or let it go and roll again on this table. However if you choose to roll again and then you do get the thing somehow anyway, you lose whatever gimmick you rolled. GM think up some clever reason why.
55 You grunt and things listen. You have an exceptionally (though not supernaturally) intelligent hound, henchman, or horse (your choice*). This npc cannot be slain, kidnapped or otherwise traduced “offscreen” by the GM, so if he or she’s in trouble and your PC is not around you get to play it out. If you re-roll this and your previous one is not dead, you get to add another hit die to your pal.
56 “‘Grrr?’ GRRRRR!”. You can intimidate hostile beasts of animal intelligence into accepting you as dominant so long as nobody in your party has attacked them. Basically, roll d10 and add your charisma or level (whichever is higher) and the GM rolls d10 + the creatures’s meanness, rated on a scale of 1-20 by the GM with 20 being like some mama bear that just watched you eat all her baby bear’s heads and is also mind-controlled by a hostile witch doctor. If the “charisma attack” works, the creature will calm down. If the charm offensive fails, you are at effectively unarmored, flat-footed AC the next round because you are really not scaring them there and are walking right up to the animal. Good luck with that. Re-rolling this result raises your AC by one if the charm offensive fails.
57 This not right… You are totally used to tromping around in the wilderness. In any wooded environment (or whatever other one you are a native of) you cannot be surprised and will always notice anyone coming at least 2 rounds away. Your experience with the landscape and the way it grows allows you to search a wilderness hex at twice the ordinary speed and if you are pursuing or being pursued through the wilderness you add your level, in feet, to your relative speed for purposes of determining who catches who. If you re-roll this, the expertise extends to all outdoor environments, re-roll again and it goes for dungeons, re-roll again and cities, again and it works in like the planes, re-roll again and you should probably just re-roll on this table until you get something different.
58 These pythons are not cosmetic. +1 Strength up to racial max. Numbers in excess go to Constitution or Dexterity.
59-60 Roll out the hogfat and corpsepaint. Ok: Take half an hour out of your busy schedule and eat the heart of an animal that you and your party (of 10 or fewer people) killed ( a regular, non-magic animal, though prehistoric animals and maybe some other weird monsters would be more metal). You yourself must have delivered the killing blow. After you do that, you gain the offensive strength of that creature for one hour (# of attacks, bonus to attack, damage) but are also kind of nuts and cannot speak except in short grunts (you can point). You can preserve the heart for as long as you want before doing this. Do this more than once per day and you will go completely crazy. Re-roll this result and the effect lasts an extra hour.
61 Slaughtermaster. You know exactly where to put it: +1 damage. If you roll this again it jumps to +3, then +5, +7 etc
62-63 Hearty motherfucker. +2 vs toxins, poisons and whatever other saves might be considered derivable from your general good health. +3 vs inebriation.
+1 to both each time you re-roll this.
64-65 Smacktastic. On a melee hit you can do your usual damage plus knock a human-sized opponent back ten feet. If you try it twice on the same opponent they get a save or Strength check or something against you. If you roll this result again you get 2 free shoves before the saves kick in. After that, re-roll.
66 Human steamroller. On a melee hit you can do your usual damage plus knock a human-sized opponent prone. If you try it twice on the same opponent they get a save or Strength check or something against you. If you roll this result again on this table, you get 2 free knockdowns before the saves kick in, then 4, etc. After that, re-roll.
67 The ways of your people are murderous ways. You are now +2 to hit in 2 of the following situations: from horseback, in unarmed combat, or with a bow or crossbow. Your choice. If you eventually roll all of those and keep re-rolling this result, you start getting +2s to weird fighting situations you can make up, like fighting blind or on fire or whatever GM approval blah blah blah
68-69 Eye of the Deeply Uncivilized. +2 to checks to intimidate people -1 to charm or lie to fancies. +2 when your re-roll this thereafter.
70-71 …but that day is not this day. Basically you can use the Shields Shall Be Splintered rule on a limb of your choice: A single hit that normally would have killed you just maimed you instead. You lose an arm below the elbow or leg below the knee, your choice. If you re-roll this you can “bank” another one or, if you’ve already lost a limb, the next time you get magically healed it comes back.
72-73 Headcrusher. Your crit range extends by one. Now you double damage on a 19 or 20. Keep rolling this and it keeps extending.
74-75 Killed you a bear when you was only 3. You can now knock prone or shove (10’) anything that is animal intelligence up to the size of a bear in addition to also doing the usual damage on a successful melee hit. Subsequently re-rolling this result gives you the same advantage against creatures of any intelligence, then a +2 to damage vs animal-intelligence foes, then vs people.
76-78 You are yet more metal than before. You do triple damage on a Critical Hit. Re-roll this: you do quadruple, etc.
79 You hate heads. If you roll a natural 20 against something with a head in melee and its level/HD is equal to or less than yours, it does not have a head anymore. Re-rolling this means you can do it against things your level or one higher, then 2 higher, etc.
80-82 Enhanced Frazetta armor. You may add your charisma bonus and strength bonus to your AC when not wearing armor. If you have no charisma bonus or strength bonus then you are a fucking putz of a barbarian but treat this roll as if you just upped your charisma by one. Re-rolling this means your charisma goes up by one.
83-84 There’s nothing wrong with them that you can’t fix with your hands… You do d6+Strength bonus damage unarmed. You go up one die each time you re-roll this.
85-86 Nelson is your middle name…On a successful hit you can hold anything whose strength and dexterity are both less than your strength for an extra round automatically before it starts to get checks to escape. You get another round each time you re-roll this.
87-88 You are deeply used to being haunted by the ghosts of the fallen. You are immune to fear from any kind of undead and are +1 to save vs any kind of spooky undead special power by any kind of ethereal dead. +2 more each time you re-roll this.
89 Bah! It is nothing. You have 2 points of damage resistance to any kind of energy that is like the weather condition typical of the harsh environment in which you were spawned—like if you’re from the desert, then heat does -2 to you, if you’re from the arctic wastes, cold does -2 to you, if you come from a seagoing culture, then you take -2 from water damage.
90 Heedless charge. On the first round of any combat (and only on the first round) you may gamble any number of your hit points on an attack. If you hit—you do that much damage, if you miss, you take that much damage (a miss indicates your foe was able to set up to receive your charge). You must be in the first rank of combatants (i.e. nobody gets to soften them up or test them before you pick how much you’re gambling.) Each time you re-roll this you get +1 damage to the attack.
91-92 You’re so sick of dealing with these decadent merchants you’ve started to DIY it. You can make your own weapons given a week and 25% of the usual cost of this merchandise. Each time you roll this (including the first time) you’ve had enough free time and luck to custom-craft one for your hand and fighting style, allowing you a +1 to hit and damage with that weapon.
93-94 These people have no clue what’s out there. Your scars, tattoos and monstrous speech speak of exotic lands and distant adventure to the gullible folk of civilized lands. +2 to lie about where you’ve been or what you’ve seen to any of these so-called “sophisticates”—they’ll believe anything. +2 more each time you re-roll this.
95-96 The spirits of earth and air know your name—and are beginning to wish they did not. +1 vs any cleric or druid spell, +2 if you have personally slain a cleric of that faith. +1 more each time you re-roll this.
97-98 There is a reason this axe is this big. On a successful hit you may distribute the damage rolled between any two targets within reach so long as they have an equal or lesser armor class to the one you just hit. Every time you re-roll this you get one more target up to a maximum of 5.
99 Re-roll on the ranger table.
00 Re-roll on the fighter table.
- or roll on this table I stole from JOESKY’s barbarian
YOU GET A FOLLOWER, ROLL ON THIS TABLE 1D12:
1-3 NERD: HE IS THE OPOSITE IN MANY WAYS OF YOU, AND HE TALKSLI KE A FAG AND HIS SHITS ALL RETARTED, BUT HE IS OKAY FOR NOW
4 – 6 SEXY CHICK: MAYBE GOOD WITH A BOW OR SOMETHING, CAREFUL THE HOT ONES ARETRICKERS!
7-9 LOSE CANNON WIZARD: ALWAYS DRUNK 75% OF TIME
10-12 ORNERY CRITTER: GOOD IN A FIGHT BUT EATS ALLOT AND WILL PEE ON YOU TO COMIC AFFECT